What happens in marriages when wives earn more than their husbands—especially when the husband has always been the primary breadwinner?
If you’re young, this question may surprise you. In your lifetime, women have achieved greater workplace success than ever before. It might be totally normal for you to make as much or more than your partner from the time you first get together.
But if you’ve been a stay-at-home mom or worked part-time (perhaps to put your husband through school), it probably wouldn’t surprise you to learn that this kind of shift in earning power can cause ripples—or waves—in a marriage.
To be honest, I receive a lot of DM’s from women who have started their own online business and are earning a great income. However, they haven’t even told their partner because they’re worried about how they’ll respond. Some of my students have also approached me to ask how my husband and I have handled it—because we understand those feelings from a first-hand perspective.
Dr. Jennifer Finalyson-Fife
I invited Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife to come on the How to Sell Online podcast and talk about wives earning more than their husbands. We also discussed how to navigate those changes. She’s an absolute pro at working with couples to help them learn how to communicate AND how to have difficult conversations in a positive way.
Jennifer shares that men are raised to learn that they should make more money than their wives. Earning more is one way that a man can demonstrate how they can take care of and be strong for a woman they love. (Kind of that hunter/gatherer mentality we hear about.) On the other hand, until relatively recently, women have also been taught that their husband should be the breadwinner, while her role is to be more nurturing.
While that is changing a bit in the modern world, there are still a lot of couples who have this traditional relationship. So if the wife sees greater success and earns a higher income through her online store, it can feel a little scary—even a little threatening—to both of them. And while it’s the perfect time to talk about these changes in dynamic, having an honest conversation is also a scary because it could mean that someone’s feelings could be hurt.
No Room for Resentment in Relationships
Dr. Finlayson-Fife shared how resentment can happen in a relationship when we don’t have those conversations. It limits our ability to truly be ourselves. One of the “aha” moments I had when was she talked about the difference between control and intimacy. And why the intimacy of letting your partner truly see who you are is so important to a great relationship. Her take on coddling our partners rather than trusting them to handle even the hardest conversations was also a big learning experience for me. (You really gotta listen—I even do some role playing in this one!)
Whether you’re in a relationship that’s struggling because of changing dynamics in terms of income or being a breadwinner, or if you know someone who might be facing difficult times because of it—this is the podcast to listen to. And if you’re just getting started in your online business, it’s a dang good listen as well. The more successful you are, the more likely you to need to have these conversations with your spouse or partner.
Top Takeaways
I had pages full of notes after my conversation with Jennifer, but I’ve finally narrowed it down. Here are my top 11 Takeaways:
- Marriages will get stuck in resentment if we aren’t willing to have honest conversations about who we are rather than who we ought to be.
- We weaken the other person when we coddle them; we need to trust their ability to handle challenges.
- Don’t dumb yourself down. Your strength doesn’t make your partner weaker, so step into your fullness.
- Collaborative couples don't need each other. They choose each other.
- Roles may give us a feeling of safety, but they don’t give us peace—and they limit our sense of self.
- Observe, then lead with a question—base it on something other than money.
- Honesty can hurt, but it’s necessary for healthy relationships.
- Ask yourself: where do I feel resentment? Where do I mask? Push yourself for the answers.
- Sometimes you need a trusted third party to help–you can’t change what you can’t see.
- Our minds can change our brains. So when you feel discomfort think, “this means my brain is growing.”
- Put prompts in a place where you can do a daily check-in with your own mind.
Additional Resources
Follow Dr.Finlayson-Fife
- Instagram: @finlaysonfife
- Website: Finlayson-Fife.com
- Podcast: Conversations with Dr. Jennifer & Room for Two (by subscription)
Connect with Alison:
- On Facebook: @alisonjprince
- On Instagram: @alisonjprince
- Learn about the 0-100K System and how you can launch and grow your own online business here.
- Join the Print Sprint here.
For more podcast inspiration about money, check out this episode: 3 Myths About Money.
